How to Ask for What You Want in Bed Without Making It Awkward
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Have you ever been with your partner thinking, “A little slower… a little to the left… YES, right there,” while your actual mouth says absolutely nothing?
Meanwhile, you’re silently hoping they’ll pick up on your very specific, completely unspoken instructions.
Unfortunately, being in love does not come with telepathic abilities. Would be convenient, though. 😂
We sometimes expect our partners to know what feels good, what we’re curious about, what we’d like more of, and what we’d rather skip. When they don’t figure it out, we can feel frustrated, disappointed, or disconnected.
Sometimes, what’s missing is a little direction.
Asking for What You Want Is Giving Them a Cheat Sheet
Talking about intimacy can feel awkward, especially if you aren’t used to it.
You might worry about hurting your partner’s feelings, sounding demanding, or making them think what they’ve been doing isn’t good enough.
But sharing what feels good gives your partner useful information. Think of it as handing them a cheat sheet.
And who doesn’t love an open-book test?
You don’t need a perfectly rehearsed speech. A few clear, kind words can help you understand each other better.
Start With What You’d Like More Of
When you want an adjustment, focus on the sensation or action you’d enjoy.
Try phrases like:
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“A little slower feels really good.”
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“Can you keep doing that, but with a little more pressure?”
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“Right there. Keep doing exactly that.”
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“I’d love a little more time kissing before we move on.”
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“I’ve been curious about something. Want to talk about trying it together?”
Specific requests are easier to follow than “Do something different.” Your partner doesn’t have to guess what different means.
And when something feels great? Say so! “Yes, that” can be some of the most helpful feedback you give.
You Can Be Kind and Still Be Direct
Positive wording can make everyday adjustments feel easier, but you don’t have to soften a boundary.
“That hurts,” “I don’t want to do that,” and “Please stop” are all clear, valid things to say.
You never owe someone continued participation to protect their feelings. A caring partner should take your comfort and boundaries seriously.
The same goes for trying something new: curiosity opens a conversation. Both of you get to decide whether you want to explore it.
Have the Conversation Before the Moment
If speaking up in the moment feels intimidating, choose a relaxed, private time when neither of you feels rushed.
You could talk over dinner at home, while relaxing together, or with a couples conversation game to help get things started.
Try:
“I’d love for us to talk more about what we each enjoy. Sometimes I get shy about saying it in the moment.”
Or:
“There’s something I’d like more of, and I want to share it because I love feeling close to you.”
Having the conversation outside the bedroom gives you room to listen and ask questions without feeling pressure to immediately act on anything.
Try the “More, Curious, Love” Conversation
Want a simple way to start? Each of you can share three things:
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Something you’d like more of. More kissing, more time, more affection throughout the day—whatever matters to you.
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Something you’re curious about. This can be an idea to discuss, with no commitment to try it.
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Something you already love. Tell your partner what they do that you’d happily put on repeat.
Take turns listening. Ask questions like, “What would that look like for you?” or “Would you like to tell me more?”
The goal is to learn something about each other, not turn date night into a performance review.
Nobody wants a quarterly evaluation under the covers. 😂
Make It Easier to Speak Up Next Time
How you respond when your partner shares a preference matters, too.
A simple “Thanks for telling me” or “Show me what you mean” can make the next conversation feel easier.
You don’t have to agree to every suggestion. You can listen respectfully, share your own comfort level, and find something you both enjoy.
And if an experiment turns out to be more awkward than amazing? You can stop, laugh together if it feels right, and choose something else. You still learned something useful.
Keep Learning Each Other
What feels good can change from one day to the next. Asking, listening, and checking in gives you room to discover what works for both of you today.
Your partner doesn’t need to magically know every answer. A little direction can go a long way.
And the next time your brain says, “YES, right there,” consider letting your mouth join the conversation. 😉
Want a playful way to get talking? Explore the RomanceEd Couples Collection for ideas to help you connect and try something together.